I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
