I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
