paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
