how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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