You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i love accidental penises.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
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