Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
