got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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