Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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