I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
