things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage