She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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