Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
