he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
i think i just lost a toe
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
