around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
two words...techno handjob
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
