DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
