Soap is not a condiment
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Four minutes until I can fart!
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
