I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
