WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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