so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
that's an acceptable place to lick
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
