plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
