and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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