the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
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No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
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I fill condoms, not promises.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize