Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
