Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
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You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
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So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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