if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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