I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
