He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
