Where did you get a picture of my penis
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
