I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
