they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
