We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
