Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
