my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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