We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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