I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I fill condoms, not promises.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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