Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
