Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
