i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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