I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
