Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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