that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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