No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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