I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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