You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
