watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
