I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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