Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
