he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
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Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
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Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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