sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
