I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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