So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
