My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
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open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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