New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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