You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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