If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
