Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
